1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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