then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
