You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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