i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
