Dude my mom stole all your condoms
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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