I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
