So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
