just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
