I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
