my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
