the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
She even gives head with a lisp.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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