I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
