Don't make out with my wife yet
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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