The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
