bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
