I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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