____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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