i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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