I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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