We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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