why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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