Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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