yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
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