at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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