Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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