Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
