wrigley field is MILF paradise
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
