i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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