Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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