just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
