I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
