someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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