Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
