I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
