I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
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