I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
