i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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