i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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