Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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