Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
