There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
