i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
