first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
