Too much gin, very little bucket
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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