I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
