I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Randomize
