i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
