Say something about gay babies.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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