She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
