Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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